I grew up in a non-Christian home. My parents are nominal Buddhists, so for the first 12 years of my life, I had no concept of a God except for the annual trips to Buddhist temples and a one-time enrollment in Vacation Bible School (VBS) when I was nine. When I was in the middle of 7th grade, my family moved to a different city, and in my desperate effort to make friends at my new school, I asked them if I could attend their Friday night youth group. On my first day, I got to meet a lot of other junior high schoolers and immediately went with the flow when everyone started praying. In retrospect, I always knew that a God existed. From time to time, I would even post in my online journal about what I had been learning on Friday nights. However, until the end of high school, I had no real relationship with God. My youth group leaders had shared the basic gospel message to me, but I never fully understood the weight of sin or even the joy of knowing the Lord. I deceived myself into thinking that as long as I knew about this Jesus figure, it was enough to be called a Christian. Thus, high school was a difficult time for me, in which I struggled immensely with my lack of a relationship with God. I blindly went to church when my family friends brought me, only because I believed that a good Christian was defined by one’s church attendance and projected moral behavior. My pride and fear swallowed me. I was too scared to admit that I didn’t know the Old Testament that well, or the New Testament for that matter. I would immediately shy away when my youth group wanted to play Bible Pictionary or any sort of Bible trivia because I knew I would look like a fool. In addition, I was afraid to seek fellowship with these people, who had seemingly grown up as Christians all their lives and knew the Bible like the back of their hand. I didn’t want them to think ill of me because I didn’t know much, that I didn’t know how to “pray right,” and most of all, that I stuck out. What bothered me the most was the void in my heart. I felt like a fraud, a Christian by name on the outside but nothing more. It pained me to feel so far from God, and I often questioned why I didn’t have this radical transforming experience like the Christians around me. I wanted to be one of those people who had an unbridled, passionate love for the Lord, like those who threw their arms in the air during worship. But at the time, it seemed like I was beyond any point of having a relationship with God, that it was too late for Him to accept me.
That was six long years of my life, and I admit that it was a time of despair and denial. Looking back, it didn’t seem like I had any older Christian women in my life I could turn to for questions about the Bible or my standing before God. In high school, I always became incredibly sad whenever my Christian friends asked me if I was still a Christian, and I never knew what to say. At the time, I was also a very insecure person, lost in the obsession with getting good grades and always wanting to please my friends. I had no direction or purpose, and if I ever experienced an encounter with God, it was always limited to superficial devotion.
However, the summer after my senior year in high school, I visited a different youth group with my best friend. One of my good friends had been urging me to check it out, so I went with a hesitant, fearful heart that seemed all too familiar to me. At the end of the youth group, my best friend started crying as she accepted the Lord into her life for good. I observed one of the youth leaders praying with her, and I thought to myself, I want THAT. I don’t want to feel scared anymore. I don’t want to play games anymore with you, God. That was the night that I got saved, and I cannot explain how this transformation occurred once and for all. It was truly the power of God in my life, and I can now confidently say that the last six years of spiritual stagnancy was not a waste. God had been pursuing my heart the entire time, and in his unfailing love, He did not give up on my stubborn, unrelenting heart. I came to realize what it meant to truly be a Christian. It was not based on my own merit- how much I knew, how good I felt, or how long I was a Christian for. It was entirely based on God’s mercy and grace in my life, when He sent down His only Son to pay the penalty for my sins. Romans 5:8 says “But God demonstrates His own love towards us, in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” My entire life is in gratitude to God today, for the immeasurable price that He paid to restore the relationship between Him and me. I no longer have to live in fear, but I have come to realize that my relationship with God is fully dependent on Christ, not me. Through various hardships and temptations, I have also learned and am continuing to learn what it means to take up my cross daily, die to myself, and surrender my entire life to Him. Ephesians 4:24 says “You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; to be made new in the attitudes of your minds; and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness.” It has been a challenging, yet incredibly sanctifying four years of being a real Christian for me. I joined Grace on Campus shortly after I became a Christian and have been involved with it ever since. Through GOC, I received the opportunity to study God’s word, to encourage and be encouraged by brothers and sisters in Christ, and to learn to love God more every single day. I acknowledge that even though I have been saved, I am still a sinner that struggles with pride and the approval of men. However, I’ve learned to repent daily and put my hope in Christ, who daily lavishes His grace on me and teaches me humility. Overall, I am so thankful for my salvation, and I’ve realized that there is no greater joy than to know God and to worship Him for the rest of my life.
That was six long years of my life, and I admit that it was a time of despair and denial. Looking back, it didn’t seem like I had any older Christian women in my life I could turn to for questions about the Bible or my standing before God. In high school, I always became incredibly sad whenever my Christian friends asked me if I was still a Christian, and I never knew what to say. At the time, I was also a very insecure person, lost in the obsession with getting good grades and always wanting to please my friends. I had no direction or purpose, and if I ever experienced an encounter with God, it was always limited to superficial devotion.
However, the summer after my senior year in high school, I visited a different youth group with my best friend. One of my good friends had been urging me to check it out, so I went with a hesitant, fearful heart that seemed all too familiar to me. At the end of the youth group, my best friend started crying as she accepted the Lord into her life for good. I observed one of the youth leaders praying with her, and I thought to myself, I want THAT. I don’t want to feel scared anymore. I don’t want to play games anymore with you, God. That was the night that I got saved, and I cannot explain how this transformation occurred once and for all. It was truly the power of God in my life, and I can now confidently say that the last six years of spiritual stagnancy was not a waste. God had been pursuing my heart the entire time, and in his unfailing love, He did not give up on my stubborn, unrelenting heart. I came to realize what it meant to truly be a Christian. It was not based on my own merit- how much I knew, how good I felt, or how long I was a Christian for. It was entirely based on God’s mercy and grace in my life, when He sent down His only Son to pay the penalty for my sins. Romans 5:8 says “But God demonstrates His own love towards us, in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” My entire life is in gratitude to God today, for the immeasurable price that He paid to restore the relationship between Him and me. I no longer have to live in fear, but I have come to realize that my relationship with God is fully dependent on Christ, not me. Through various hardships and temptations, I have also learned and am continuing to learn what it means to take up my cross daily, die to myself, and surrender my entire life to Him. Ephesians 4:24 says “You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; to be made new in the attitudes of your minds; and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness.” It has been a challenging, yet incredibly sanctifying four years of being a real Christian for me. I joined Grace on Campus shortly after I became a Christian and have been involved with it ever since. Through GOC, I received the opportunity to study God’s word, to encourage and be encouraged by brothers and sisters in Christ, and to learn to love God more every single day. I acknowledge that even though I have been saved, I am still a sinner that struggles with pride and the approval of men. However, I’ve learned to repent daily and put my hope in Christ, who daily lavishes His grace on me and teaches me humility. Overall, I am so thankful for my salvation, and I’ve realized that there is no greater joy than to know God and to worship Him for the rest of my life.