My family and education best summarize my life. I was born, with a twin, to Christian parents who desired to find a church that would challenge them spiritually by preaching the Word faithfully. They searched and God provided Grace Community Church. They did not even hear the sermon but simply the prayer at the Sunday service when they decided that this would be the church they would stay and raise their children. Their children consisted of 6 girls all born within 6 years. I am number 4, while my twin is number 3. With all these little girls to be a good steward of, my father decided to homeschool all of us.
Thus, growing up I was very protected. I attended a Bible-believing church every Sunday. During the week I was always at home with my sisters, receiving Christian education. My parents were faithful in teaching us Scripture and verses and also treating each other well.
However, even the most protected homes from the world cannot keep a sinner from sinning. I truly believed that because my parents believed God was real and that God loved them, He also loved and cared for me. With that security I never felt the need to talk to God, to get to know God, or even wonder why my mom made us memorize all these chapters in Psalms. It did not make sense to me why I had to let my sisters take my things and invade my space in the name of “sharing.” I disobeyed my parents to test the boundaries of what they would allow. Otherwise, I would be an obedient daughter, because I believed that’s what my parents really wanted. As we started meeting other homeschooling families, I came into contact with other kids. They all annoyed me because all they wanted to do was scream and run around. I didn’t need their attention because I had all my sisters anyway.
My apathy did not change all the way through until my junior year of high school. My perspective had manifested into disgust for people with shallow self-interest, self-promotion, and self-righteousness. My heart had been so hardened against loving others, because loving them was not proven to be beneficial to me.
It was only by a miracle of God’s grace that my heart began to soften. My wall of security began to separate as my sisters began to explore themselves and go their own ways. I no longer stayed at home because of taking classes at community college. I was being forced to stand alone, exposed for the sinner I was. Slowly, God showed me that the only person who I had yet to label as self-centered was myself. I had been one of those hypocrites that I had disregarded. I cannot pinpoint the specific moment I felt the full weight of my sin and repented. I do know that God melted my heart of stone that year, and it was from then on I desired to change.
Real change began when I left home to go to college at UCLA. I knew firstly that God did not approve of my level of love for others, and also that I needed to be friendlier towards people if I didn’t want to be alone. I attended a freshmen summer program at UCLA where I got a taste of what my life would be like as a commuting student. Maintaining relationships was going to be demanding, for I would need to commit more time and energy than I had ever come close to before. Thankfully, God gave me both and guided me to Grace On Campus, a Bible Study that I had recognized from my home church. The clear preaching of God’s Word firmly rooted me to GOC, having a small group leader who cared for me so faithfully and unconditionally gave me a tangible picture of the Gospel and a better understanding of what loving others meant. I met many people in GOC who loved God and loved sharing about their sin struggles to bring attention to God’s forgiveness and patience. God’s people, I learned, are not creating relationships for their own benefit but to express the love of God and their love for God. Whether the people in our lives are fellow believers or unbelievers, the ultimate purpose of why we were created to be interactive is to point each other to the wonderful majesty of God. Any other motive, building an honorable reputation, not wanting to be alone, enjoying the immediate pleasures, etc. are all self-centered distractions.
Even now as a recent graduate of UCLA, I am learning through the Bible and by example of fellow believers to apply this truth in every relationship in my life. The struggle is between my godly desire to obey the Lord and my sinful flesh, which desires to serve myself. The only way I can fulfill my godly desire is to remind myself of the gospel, Jesus’ enormous suffering because of His love, and dying to my self-centered thoughts and reactions.
Thus, growing up I was very protected. I attended a Bible-believing church every Sunday. During the week I was always at home with my sisters, receiving Christian education. My parents were faithful in teaching us Scripture and verses and also treating each other well.
However, even the most protected homes from the world cannot keep a sinner from sinning. I truly believed that because my parents believed God was real and that God loved them, He also loved and cared for me. With that security I never felt the need to talk to God, to get to know God, or even wonder why my mom made us memorize all these chapters in Psalms. It did not make sense to me why I had to let my sisters take my things and invade my space in the name of “sharing.” I disobeyed my parents to test the boundaries of what they would allow. Otherwise, I would be an obedient daughter, because I believed that’s what my parents really wanted. As we started meeting other homeschooling families, I came into contact with other kids. They all annoyed me because all they wanted to do was scream and run around. I didn’t need their attention because I had all my sisters anyway.
My apathy did not change all the way through until my junior year of high school. My perspective had manifested into disgust for people with shallow self-interest, self-promotion, and self-righteousness. My heart had been so hardened against loving others, because loving them was not proven to be beneficial to me.
It was only by a miracle of God’s grace that my heart began to soften. My wall of security began to separate as my sisters began to explore themselves and go their own ways. I no longer stayed at home because of taking classes at community college. I was being forced to stand alone, exposed for the sinner I was. Slowly, God showed me that the only person who I had yet to label as self-centered was myself. I had been one of those hypocrites that I had disregarded. I cannot pinpoint the specific moment I felt the full weight of my sin and repented. I do know that God melted my heart of stone that year, and it was from then on I desired to change.
Real change began when I left home to go to college at UCLA. I knew firstly that God did not approve of my level of love for others, and also that I needed to be friendlier towards people if I didn’t want to be alone. I attended a freshmen summer program at UCLA where I got a taste of what my life would be like as a commuting student. Maintaining relationships was going to be demanding, for I would need to commit more time and energy than I had ever come close to before. Thankfully, God gave me both and guided me to Grace On Campus, a Bible Study that I had recognized from my home church. The clear preaching of God’s Word firmly rooted me to GOC, having a small group leader who cared for me so faithfully and unconditionally gave me a tangible picture of the Gospel and a better understanding of what loving others meant. I met many people in GOC who loved God and loved sharing about their sin struggles to bring attention to God’s forgiveness and patience. God’s people, I learned, are not creating relationships for their own benefit but to express the love of God and their love for God. Whether the people in our lives are fellow believers or unbelievers, the ultimate purpose of why we were created to be interactive is to point each other to the wonderful majesty of God. Any other motive, building an honorable reputation, not wanting to be alone, enjoying the immediate pleasures, etc. are all self-centered distractions.
Even now as a recent graduate of UCLA, I am learning through the Bible and by example of fellow believers to apply this truth in every relationship in my life. The struggle is between my godly desire to obey the Lord and my sinful flesh, which desires to serve myself. The only way I can fulfill my godly desire is to remind myself of the gospel, Jesus’ enormous suffering because of His love, and dying to my self-centered thoughts and reactions.